painting-
painting clouds again and i look at what i'm doing wondering why i keep
doing these. what is it- the skies that inspire me are not these skies.
the views that open me up and feed me - feed my soul to use one of
those trite phrases but true all the same- these are decidedly not what
i'm painting. obscured remains one of my favorites that i've done to
date- i look at the progress thus far- on the latest they all seem like
bruises. and i wonder......... i've not lived thru hardships. not like
so many. i don't think art has to be a struggle. i don't always
struggle. some of these feel well, not effortless but it flows.
sometimes leaving me drained sometimes boosting my energy. there are no
good reasons- there are no consistencies in my work- in my life what
makes me buoyant one day weighs upon me the next and then i look again
and see the bruised skies that i paint. is it my feeling of
helplessness? battered by all that i care about and unable to do
anything of real consequence? tell myself that a painting can make a
difference. that somehow this is being done for a reason that i am
meant to paint. and i feel that i am- that i need to paint but to what
end? if someone looks at my work and feels simpatico- what exactly are
they relating to? if it touches them is it because they too feel
bruised- these are not raw images. i have seen those- and recently.
Bacon painted raw. raw meat, screams that still sound loud and clear
half a century later this work of mine has it's skin- this protective
layer that hides those raw unhealed images. pretty colors, lavendar,
tinges of pink, buttery yellow light barely breaking through the
volumes of clouds. how do they seem from outside? from someone elses
perspective. does anyone else see a pretty sky? what is it i wonder?
and why should i care? art is extremely personal- it can be- it should
be- and no one can really say why they paint what they do- i don't
think so anyway- not til they step back and stare in amazement at what
they've rendered. i used to think i knew why i painted what i do- i
know what inspires me so i guess that's part of it but just a tiny part
now- i think so anyway- otherwise these once blue skies would not have
that sallow yellow, that greyed green the brown purple. this is not the
open sky- this is something else. will i ever know what it is i paint?
do i need to know? and what the hell am i really saying anyway?
